Prepper Pete and Doomsday Darren!

THIS POST CONTAINS A PHOTO OF THE INSIDE OF AN ANIMAL! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT AN ANIMALS INSIDES LOOK LIKE.... STOP READING.

A sinkingship special report!

Pete here, with a copy of a post made specially for you lot.

In a break from the norm we thought it was important to let you know that both myself and Darren are getting married, stealing bodies from the local cemetery, on the run from the fuzz, have spent a wild weekend in the woods.

I am writing this covered in bruises and still finding bits of mud in my hair.

This is most certainly not a usual situation that I find myself so let me explain how I ended up black and blue, covered in dirt like some kind of feral animal but all the better for the experience.

First we need to remember what happened in February when the storms hit and the power went out and I promised myself I would build a kit to keep me going in the event of an emergency.

For the six or so months since the power went out, I have been researching the internet, reading books and watching survival shows in order to build up a reservoir of knowledge.

But theory is only part of the process and practice makes perfect as they.

With that in mind I set about buying the sort of things I "may" need in the event of the electricity disappearing.

Here is a picture of Some of the things that I thought would come in useful.

This bag contained:

• zippo lighter
• ferro rod and striker
• waterproof matches
• fresel lens (magnifying glass to you and me)
• parachord
• compass
• sealed box containing food rations.
• zippo bags
• multi tools + torch on a keyring
• mora knife and knife sharpener
• tea lights
• cutlery set
• small stove and fire lighters
• mess tins
• thermal cup
• water purification kit
• folding shovel
• pillow (not used)
• emergency blankets (not used)
• first aid kit (used...lots!)
• sewing kit
• various books (S.A.S. guide, knots, edible plants)
• deck of cards
• notebook
• Solar panels
• water bottle
• change of clothes
• sleeping bag
• sleeping mat
• and a bag to put them all in! 

Not pictured are: portable battery, shemagh, more cordage and a tarp.

In total the bag weighed 9 pounds and was easy enough to carry.

Darrens bag was much the same, but better.

That bag, along with Pete and Darren took ourselves away into the wilderness of the Shropshire hills and spent the day on a survival course which is run by a group trained by Bear Grylls himself!

We did lots of things and learnt an awful lot including the following:

• You can eat nettles without them stinging your tongue.
• how to start an upside down fire.
• How to find various points of the compass without the use of a compass.
• Crossing a ravine by dragging yourself across a rope may cause bruising and nipple burn if not done correctly... (yes, that WAS me!)
• AND... How to skin and cook a rabbit (although we didn't kill the bunny, That was done by a farmer for us).

An upside down fire!

We also made our own shelter and spent the evening camping out in the woods.

All in all it was tons of fun and well worth the experience.

Now, I know what you are thinking: "Oh no, he's one of those oddball preppers!"

Well, you are only half right. 

I'm not a prepper.

Or at least I don't consider myself a prepper - in the way some people think about preppers.

I am not the sort of person who thinks about the end of the world, or Nuclear apocalypses or anything like that ( and to honest most preppers are not like that either), but if/when the electric goes off again I know that I am ready for action and there will no panic or fuss.

Plus, roasted Rabbit is quite nice when you have skinned it, pulled it's guts out then twisted it's head off and stuff on a stick over a hot fire.

Blurry picture of a rabbit being skinned by Darren after I had pulled out it's guts.

Anyway. Confidence has been instilled, lessons learnt, and new hobbies fully established.

It is amazing how little we remember about how we used to live. It was not that long ago that people HAD to live this way or perish. 

I think it is important to know at least a little bit about surviving and at the very least I can freak people out by eating nettles straight off the plant.

Awesome!

ZOM-BEE APOCALYPSE (a 998 story)

General Steele ran down the corridors of STOCKDALE UNIVERSITY.

He had traversed these walls many times over the years in his capacity as liaison to the strange and heroic Professor Procto, he had gotten to know the Prof quite well over the years. Their many adventures together had always been successful (apart from that one time at the orphanage… but that’s another story) but there something…otherworldly about the university hallways that made the man of war nervous.

He reached the door and pushed his way through.

He knew better than to knock as the Prof would undoubtedly be caught up in one of his many MANY dangerous experiments.

As he opened the door the General was met with a blanket of pure darkness. Nothing could be seen at all. Light just fell into the nothingness and disappeared.

“Hello? Professor?” called the General.

The reply was not one he expected.

“GOOD GRIEF MAN! SHUT THAT DAMNED DOOR… QUICKLY!”

It was the unmistakable rage of the Professor himself.

The General slammed the door behind him and held his breath.

“Procto? The lights. What’s going on?” He asked.

There was a click of switches and the comfortable hum of electricity breathing life into the strip bulbs on the ceiling. The face of Professor Procto loomed large and mere inches from General Steele’s bearded face.

“Good Lord!” Exclaimed the General.

“Not quite.” Mused the bespectacled man in front of him.

The professor composed himself and his face altered to show the grave danger that they were in.

“General. I’m glad you are here. It appears that one of my experiments has….well… managed to escape.” The professor took a step back and walked over to one of his many work benches.

The General frowned. “But we just destroyed the remains of that haggis monster thing.” Said the General. “It’s all okay now Procto.”

The Professor shook his head. “That’s old news General. No. This was my latest experiment. I was attempting to cure Hay fever. I had genetically modified a bumble bee to be susceptible to pollen in a way that was both ironic and scientifically brilliant… Only… it’s escaped.”

The professor shuffled papers and moved objects around, looking for something in particular.

“I don’t understand professor. What’s so bad about an escaped bee with the sniffles?”

Procto sighed, the way that clever people do when they don’t have time to explain everything because people forget that time is of the essence and danger is all about.

“In changing the Bees DNA some… unforeseen alterations were made to it’s genetic material. You see, this bee is not just a humble bumble… no. It is now a blood sucking living dead insect that could cause the end of humanity if it stings somebody.”

“GASP!” Gasped the General. “You mean….”

“Yes…” interrupted the Professor. “Somewhere out there is a…. ZOMB-BEE!”

Procto held aloft a large gun. “This will help us locate the little bugger.” He said. “It’s a my Chekov’s Gun.” Comes in very handy at times….”

And with that, the General and the Professor left the lab in search of the killer ZOMBEE.

The Gun made a beep-beep noise as they made their way through the many scenic views of Stockdale.

Across the river and past the farmland where the General stopped his colleague “Professor, why is that sheep glowing blue like that?” 

But the Professor hurried him on.

They passed the cemetery, where a funeral for man not yet dead caused the gun to beep-beep a bit faster, but with a quick bit of calibrating, it soon pointed then in the direction of the town centre!

Both men were quickly out breath as they arrived at ARNOLDSCORNER SHOP where the gun off it’s nut, beeping like a mother beeper!

The shop was closed and there was no way in. The general peered through the shop front window.

“Looks like they have a copy of Robot Jox…. I love that film!” said General Steele trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m more a fan of SUPERBRICK myself.” replied the Professor. 

It’s got a better twist at the end.

Suddenly the shop door opened and the owner, Arnold himself towered over them both.

“GUT MORNING!” He bellowed in a thick Austrian accent.

The professor barged passed him. “Let me through man. Science awaits!”

The general apologised and explained the situation to the shop keeper.

“A BEE YOU SAY?” frowned Arnold. “YOU HAD BETTER CAM IN.”

General Steele and Arnold walked into the shop to find Procto jumping back and forth pointing the Chekov gun at random objects in a vain attempt to find the missing bee.

“IT ES OVA HEE-AR!” said Arnold pointing at the window.

“IT STUNG ME ON ZE ARM SO I SHOT WITH MY UZI 9MM” he explained.

The General rushed to the window and amongst the many adverts for poetry groups and wanted guitar requests sat a small squashed bug like mess.

Professor Procto had run over to Arnolds arm to inspect the bite. 

“We need to kill him.” He said.

“WHO? ME?” said Arnold.

The General jumped in. “I’m afraid this bee was infected and will cause you to become a zombie.” He said. “We can’t let you turn into a flesh eating beast… it wouldn’t be cricket.”

“HA HA HA” said Arnold. “YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I AM T-100 TERMINATOR SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO KILL TOM O’CONNOR. BUT I OPENED THIS SHOP INSETEAD.”

“But Tom O’Connor is still alive… isn’t he?” queried the professor.

“YES.” Said Arnold. “BUT HIS CAREER IS IN SUCH TATTERS HE MAY AS WELL BE DEAD AND SO HERE I AM.”

And everybody laughed.

Outside the shop, in the shadows, a mysterious figure in a homemade tinfoil hat made notes in a little pad….. “I knew it!” he said as he slunk back into the depths.

And so the residents of Stockdale was allowed to continue to exist … for now.

TRIBUTE - Tom O'Connor (not yet deceased)

Tom O’Connor – a made up tribute.

Just in case he pops his clogs (and let’s face it – it can’t be long off now) we dedicate the letter T to the life and times of your very own Tom O’Connor.

Scouser Tom started life as a baby and over the years grew up to a man. But not just any man. He became a man of some substance. What that substance was, nobody knows or dare say, but made of it he was.

He accepted money for doing things, some of which were jobs and it quickly became apparent that he was "quite funny", or at least that’s what people told him.

Tom decided that his mission in life was to make people laugh and the only to this was to become a comedian in the seventies.

Tom travelled all the way to the 1970’s in his dads Morris Minor and told racist jokes and one liners about mother-in-laws until the cows came home.

It took quite a while for the cows to come home as they were more into Bernard Manning but by the time they DID arrive home Tom O’Connor was a house hold name.

This was made all the easier by the introduction of his own brand of yellow dusters called “Tom O’Connor’s yellow Dusters” and as they were cheaper than normal yellow dusters they soon found their way into every home in the land.

In some cases Tom would even sneak in to houses and insert his yellow dusters in house wives cleaning cupboards just to bring up the averages.

Tom soon realised that the 1970’s wouldn’t last forever and as the dying breathes of that decade drew nearer Tom took every opportunity that came his way.

By October 1978 Tom was presenting 75% of all game shows on ITV. This hectic schedule took its toll on Toms marriage, the long weekends away filming meant he missed his family and wife and her lovely home cooking.

The final straw for Tom was when the national tabloids reported that his yellow dusters were not very good and frumpy housewives across the land were urged to use old newspaper and some lemon juice to counteract Toms nonsense!

This news broke Tom’s heart... and his bank account.

Disillusioned with the sneers and name calling Tom packed his bags and went far far away on a sailing ship where he was free from accusing eyes and rabid finger pointing and he was once again free to tell his racist jokes over and over and over.... and over again.

Today Tom can still be found on boats and ships telling “that joke” to anyone who will listen or gets within grasping reaching of his grabby hands.

 Tom is very happy, when he is not looking p*ssed off like this photo I took of him just after after I called him a berk.

He was last seen on TV during a weeklong stint in dictionary corner on COUNTDOWN in the 2007 where he told a very unfunny that ,for some reason nobody can fathom, contained a word I dare not print but did involve the word P****  depending on how you spell it.

That joke is nowhere to be found on the internet – but he did say it.

What I did find though, was his other joke (he has two!).

Here it is. Try not to laugh too hard.

Tom O'Connor is available for works Do's, Shopping centre openings, Hospital ward fund raisers and Big Brother. (no calls after 8pm.)

So when Tom O'Connor dies make sure you come back here and leave a comment of condolence. 
Until then, why not leave YOUR fake memories of Tom and how he promised to make you a star but never returned your calls and now you don't what you are supposed to do with 6 pallets of yellow dusters!

Oranges - A Henry Hut Investagation

Henry Hut, TRUTH WIZARD, back again to highlight something that has been bothering me for quite some time.

There are those in the world of literature who like nothing more than making people feel stupid by telling them utter lies.

Then there are the idiots who actually believe everything they read.

Take this following statement for example:

"Nothing rhymes with the word Orange."

This is, of course, a lie.

There is at least one word I know of that DOES rhyme with the word Orange and that word is Lozenge.

The corrupter's of correctness are aware of the word lozenge but are with their smug words and neckerchiefs, say things like, "It's not a PROPER rhyme..." and such waffle.

This is, of course, a lie.

If a word sounds like another word then it is a rhyme. full stop.

Here is a scientific test....

"I once ate a lozenge.
It tasted just like Orange."

If you say that out loud you will be able to clearly see (or hear) that those two words are rhymes. Not partial rhymes, or non-real rhymes, but full on, hard core mega rhymes.

In much the same way that cat rhymes with hat Orange rhymes with Lozenge.

however, the conspiracy with Oranges doesn't stop there.

wait.... what are these?

The natural colour of an Orange is in fact..... green (sometimes)! The humble orange is not a natural fruit either but a fruit created by man in much the same way dogs were.

I don't mean than cavemen used wild wolves until they bred the perfect citrus fruit - that would be crazy - but the Orange was created as a hybrid of tangerines and the "Chinese Grapefruit" known as Pomelo.

Oranges are actually gentically modified Grapefruits. 

This is all true but poets don't want you to know this because they are smug and selfish ... well, something that rhymes with Truckers!!!!!

I am Henry Hut THE TRUTH WIZARD and you have just been facted!

Midway Musings

Sinkingship is meant to be a place where weary souls come to flex their laughter muscles or at the very least smirk or even just use our page as a smokescreen for when the "other half" walks in unexpectedly whilst you were "investigating some research for a book you are collaborating with certain 1970's TV celebrities.....officer!"

Either way, you are here and that;s what counts.

This post is our MID WAY point through the A to Z Challenge and what better way to commemorate this fact than a little poem to recap what we have learnt so far.....

In the beginning we met Arnold
in his corner shop
Then came along a little bee
who's sneezing could not be stopped.

We chose our own adventure
And listened to THE EDGE
who really hates that lad Bono,
but now he's got it off his chest.

We have had some celebrity feedback
and the Professor, who will save the day
and Henry Hut - The truth wizard
a man who's always got something to say!

There is still time to join in with the joke song
a sure fire to impress all your friends
And the sad passing a Koi Carp man
A true hero until the very end.

A just yesterday a song about Lesbians
A sing-a-long ditty for all
as for the rest of the alphabet
come back tomorrow for more!

Lesbians

Today we would like to offer this little video as an example of the ever increase catalogue of ...um ... stuff we can do.

It's not all comics and and laughing y'know!

Sometimes we have very important political and social commentary to make.

um.... yea....

So here it is. 

Sinkingship presents:

THE LESBIAN SONG

Join in with the Joke song!

For the letter J (which is todays letter) I had written a song that was very funny and very much "near the knuckle".

Unfortunately I forgot to save a copy of it on my computer so when it came to recording it... I had no idea what the lyrics were. (you have no idea how bloody annoyed I am!!!)

This however gave me a cracking idea!

This is the idea:

We here at Sinkingship want YOU to help us finish the song.

You can here a clip of it below so that you can get an idea of the beat and rhythm.

Simply add your own chorus and/ or verse in the comments box at the bottom of the page and at the end of the April we will re-record the song with all the lines in.

How good is that?

You can then go around and tell you friends/family/potential sexual conquests that you are a publish song writer just like that Elton John and Gary Barlow!

You are very welcome and get typing!!!!!

Henry Hut - Truth Wizard

Hello my name is henry hut and I am a truth wizard.

I spend my time digging through the lies, false hoods and double bluffs of the world In order to bring to you – the feckless- nothing but pure honesty.

THEY* don’t want you to know the truth.

THEY* want you to live in a word of darkness and deceit.

I think we all deserve to know what’s really going on in the world.

You may have heard of the 1%. Well, they are the worst of the lot.

There is one particular person who needs to be exposed for his failure to be honest.

That man is none other than….

Bill Gates.

Or

It could be Stephen Hawkins.

Why would I chose to pick on these two individuals who have done nothing but bring computers into our homes and/or created space?

The thing is, those two people do not exist.

Only one of them does.

Lets look at the evidence.

Here is a picture of Bill Gates.

And here is a picture of Stephen Hawkings.

These two men have never been seen in the same room at the same time.

In much the same way that Superman and Clark Kent are never seen together. All it takes is for him to whip of his spectacles and HEY PRESTO! Nobody can fathom it’s the same guy.

BONKERS.

Have you seen that film where they make two black men look white girls? A comedy they called it. Research is what I say.

If they can make a blockbuster of a film with that kind of prosthetics then making bill gates sit in a chair is childs play.

He doesn’t even need to change his voice. Just use a talky box and off you go.

Oh yes, some people** may say I’m mad, but what can’t speak can’t lie.

Not convinced?

Last Hawkins had to retract some of his theories about black holes and space and stuff, in the same year Bill Gates company Microsoft brought out Windows 8!

Still not convinced?

Bill Gates and Stephen Hawkins initials are – B and S….. BS!

And we all know what BS stands for.

My name is Henry Hut and I am a TRUTH WIZARD.

*everyone

** the so-called doctors at the local psychiatric clinic

Feedback

WOWZERS!

We've only been going a week and already Twitter is awash with some great feedback for the site.

Here is just a sample of what famous people have been saying about our work!

Cheers guys.

haha- bill gates doesn't have an avatar - Even we know how to do that!

Um... bit harsh Richard? 

okay..... I voted for the other guy anyway.

This isn't going as well as I thought.

But ...but Stephen we loved you in Blackadder.

I don't know who you are lady..

DAMN! Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.

Edge . . . Of Insanity

Today we have an impromptu interview hot off the press.

An exclusive expose of one of the biggest bands in the world and potential falls outs, splits and in fighting!

Let's get stuck in and hear all about it from the man who is in the middle of all this and most definitely has an axe to grind.

Mobile link to You Tube Version

Baz the Bee

Here is a little song made by us, just for you.

Baz the Bee.

Enjoy.

You Tube Version for Mobiles

Arnie - an Interview

Hello boys and girls and welcome to the first edition of the Brand New SinkingShip Blog.

Kicking off the month of April we have joined the world famous A to Z challenge in order to supply your eyes and ears with some merriment and mirth.

We start off with a very exciting and EXCLUSIVE interview with everyone's favourite muscleman....

ENJOY.

You Tube version for Mobies

Stay tuned for more hilarious* and entertaining** posts over the next month and beyond.

* sinkingship can not held responsible for the hilarity or lack thereof of any content. If you don't find it funny - that's your problem.
** Ditto.