Prepper Pete and Doomsday Darren!

THIS POST CONTAINS A PHOTO OF THE INSIDE OF AN ANIMAL! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT AN ANIMALS INSIDES LOOK LIKE.... STOP READING.

A sinkingship special report!

Pete here, with a copy of a post made specially for you lot.

In a break from the norm we thought it was important to let you know that both myself and Darren are getting married, stealing bodies from the local cemetery, on the run from the fuzz, have spent a wild weekend in the woods.

I am writing this covered in bruises and still finding bits of mud in my hair.

This is most certainly not a usual situation that I find myself so let me explain how I ended up black and blue, covered in dirt like some kind of feral animal but all the better for the experience.

First we need to remember what happened in February when the storms hit and the power went out and I promised myself I would build a kit to keep me going in the event of an emergency.

For the six or so months since the power went out, I have been researching the internet, reading books and watching survival shows in order to build up a reservoir of knowledge.

But theory is only part of the process and practice makes perfect as they.

With that in mind I set about buying the sort of things I "may" need in the event of the electricity disappearing.

Here is a picture of Some of the things that I thought would come in useful.

This bag contained:

• zippo lighter
• ferro rod and striker
• waterproof matches
• fresel lens (magnifying glass to you and me)
• parachord
• compass
• sealed box containing food rations.
• zippo bags
• multi tools + torch on a keyring
• mora knife and knife sharpener
• tea lights
• cutlery set
• small stove and fire lighters
• mess tins
• thermal cup
• water purification kit
• folding shovel
• pillow (not used)
• emergency blankets (not used)
• first aid kit (used...lots!)
• sewing kit
• various books (S.A.S. guide, knots, edible plants)
• deck of cards
• notebook
• Solar panels
• water bottle
• change of clothes
• sleeping bag
• sleeping mat
• and a bag to put them all in! 

Not pictured are: portable battery, shemagh, more cordage and a tarp.

In total the bag weighed 9 pounds and was easy enough to carry.

Darrens bag was much the same, but better.

That bag, along with Pete and Darren took ourselves away into the wilderness of the Shropshire hills and spent the day on a survival course which is run by a group trained by Bear Grylls himself!

We did lots of things and learnt an awful lot including the following:

• You can eat nettles without them stinging your tongue.
• how to start an upside down fire.
• How to find various points of the compass without the use of a compass.
• Crossing a ravine by dragging yourself across a rope may cause bruising and nipple burn if not done correctly... (yes, that WAS me!)
• AND... How to skin and cook a rabbit (although we didn't kill the bunny, That was done by a farmer for us).

An upside down fire!

We also made our own shelter and spent the evening camping out in the woods.

All in all it was tons of fun and well worth the experience.

Now, I know what you are thinking: "Oh no, he's one of those oddball preppers!"

Well, you are only half right. 

I'm not a prepper.

Or at least I don't consider myself a prepper - in the way some people think about preppers.

I am not the sort of person who thinks about the end of the world, or Nuclear apocalypses or anything like that ( and to honest most preppers are not like that either), but if/when the electric goes off again I know that I am ready for action and there will no panic or fuss.

Plus, roasted Rabbit is quite nice when you have skinned it, pulled it's guts out then twisted it's head off and stuff on a stick over a hot fire.

Blurry picture of a rabbit being skinned by Darren after I had pulled out it's guts.

Anyway. Confidence has been instilled, lessons learnt, and new hobbies fully established.

It is amazing how little we remember about how we used to live. It was not that long ago that people HAD to live this way or perish. 

I think it is important to know at least a little bit about surviving and at the very least I can freak people out by eating nettles straight off the plant.

Awesome!

ZOM-BEE APOCALYPSE (a 998 story)

General Steele ran down the corridors of STOCKDALE UNIVERSITY.

He had traversed these walls many times over the years in his capacity as liaison to the strange and heroic Professor Procto, he had gotten to know the Prof quite well over the years. Their many adventures together had always been successful (apart from that one time at the orphanage… but that’s another story) but there something…otherworldly about the university hallways that made the man of war nervous.

He reached the door and pushed his way through.

He knew better than to knock as the Prof would undoubtedly be caught up in one of his many MANY dangerous experiments.

As he opened the door the General was met with a blanket of pure darkness. Nothing could be seen at all. Light just fell into the nothingness and disappeared.

“Hello? Professor?” called the General.

The reply was not one he expected.

“GOOD GRIEF MAN! SHUT THAT DAMNED DOOR… QUICKLY!”

It was the unmistakable rage of the Professor himself.

The General slammed the door behind him and held his breath.

“Procto? The lights. What’s going on?” He asked.

There was a click of switches and the comfortable hum of electricity breathing life into the strip bulbs on the ceiling. The face of Professor Procto loomed large and mere inches from General Steele’s bearded face.

“Good Lord!” Exclaimed the General.

“Not quite.” Mused the bespectacled man in front of him.

The professor composed himself and his face altered to show the grave danger that they were in.

“General. I’m glad you are here. It appears that one of my experiments has….well… managed to escape.” The professor took a step back and walked over to one of his many work benches.

The General frowned. “But we just destroyed the remains of that haggis monster thing.” Said the General. “It’s all okay now Procto.”

The Professor shook his head. “That’s old news General. No. This was my latest experiment. I was attempting to cure Hay fever. I had genetically modified a bumble bee to be susceptible to pollen in a way that was both ironic and scientifically brilliant… Only… it’s escaped.”

The professor shuffled papers and moved objects around, looking for something in particular.

“I don’t understand professor. What’s so bad about an escaped bee with the sniffles?”

Procto sighed, the way that clever people do when they don’t have time to explain everything because people forget that time is of the essence and danger is all about.

“In changing the Bees DNA some… unforeseen alterations were made to it’s genetic material. You see, this bee is not just a humble bumble… no. It is now a blood sucking living dead insect that could cause the end of humanity if it stings somebody.”

“GASP!” Gasped the General. “You mean….”

“Yes…” interrupted the Professor. “Somewhere out there is a…. ZOMB-BEE!”

Procto held aloft a large gun. “This will help us locate the little bugger.” He said. “It’s a my Chekov’s Gun.” Comes in very handy at times….”

And with that, the General and the Professor left the lab in search of the killer ZOMBEE.

The Gun made a beep-beep noise as they made their way through the many scenic views of Stockdale.

Across the river and past the farmland where the General stopped his colleague “Professor, why is that sheep glowing blue like that?” 

But the Professor hurried him on.

They passed the cemetery, where a funeral for man not yet dead caused the gun to beep-beep a bit faster, but with a quick bit of calibrating, it soon pointed then in the direction of the town centre!

Both men were quickly out breath as they arrived at ARNOLDSCORNER SHOP where the gun off it’s nut, beeping like a mother beeper!

The shop was closed and there was no way in. The general peered through the shop front window.

“Looks like they have a copy of Robot Jox…. I love that film!” said General Steele trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m more a fan of SUPERBRICK myself.” replied the Professor. 

It’s got a better twist at the end.

Suddenly the shop door opened and the owner, Arnold himself towered over them both.

“GUT MORNING!” He bellowed in a thick Austrian accent.

The professor barged passed him. “Let me through man. Science awaits!”

The general apologised and explained the situation to the shop keeper.

“A BEE YOU SAY?” frowned Arnold. “YOU HAD BETTER CAM IN.”

General Steele and Arnold walked into the shop to find Procto jumping back and forth pointing the Chekov gun at random objects in a vain attempt to find the missing bee.

“IT ES OVA HEE-AR!” said Arnold pointing at the window.

“IT STUNG ME ON ZE ARM SO I SHOT WITH MY UZI 9MM” he explained.

The General rushed to the window and amongst the many adverts for poetry groups and wanted guitar requests sat a small squashed bug like mess.

Professor Procto had run over to Arnolds arm to inspect the bite. 

“We need to kill him.” He said.

“WHO? ME?” said Arnold.

The General jumped in. “I’m afraid this bee was infected and will cause you to become a zombie.” He said. “We can’t let you turn into a flesh eating beast… it wouldn’t be cricket.”

“HA HA HA” said Arnold. “YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I AM T-100 TERMINATOR SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO KILL TOM O’CONNOR. BUT I OPENED THIS SHOP INSETEAD.”

“But Tom O’Connor is still alive… isn’t he?” queried the professor.

“YES.” Said Arnold. “BUT HIS CAREER IS IN SUCH TATTERS HE MAY AS WELL BE DEAD AND SO HERE I AM.”

And everybody laughed.

Outside the shop, in the shadows, a mysterious figure in a homemade tinfoil hat made notes in a little pad….. “I knew it!” he said as he slunk back into the depths.

And so the residents of Stockdale was allowed to continue to exist … for now.

XXIV (24)

Here it is. The final episode of PROFESSOR PROCTO.

24 pages of pure comic book gold. 

Read on to find out the final conclusion of our hero's journey...

The full Procto adventure can be read over on our PROCTO PAGE!!

Where's Wally? A Prose Puzzle

The eighties gave us Puttin' On The Ritz by Taco, Krull, Thunder Cats crisps and other relics found now only in museums.  One creation that hung around for a fair old spell was Wally, or as he's known across the pond, Winky The Paedophile.

Today's modern readership can still find real books made of tigers or rhino horn or whatever it is they're carved from and while away hours looking for the eponymous protagonist whilst slowly going blind in the process.

Here in the sophisticated era that gave us Made in Chelsea, twerking and Hipsters it's time for Wally to move on.  So, with illustrated books, cartoons and even cereal covered in sugar, ladies and gentlemen, we give you Wally's first ever prose book...

...enjoy.

Where's Wally?  The Seaside Shenanigans.

In a frankly baffling scenario, an unlikely number of people crowded together on, let's saaaayyy...a beach. 
Yeah:- That'll do. 
Most people are on the sandy beach itself but several are either out in the water or on various water-borne vessels.

In the sea itself there is a man paragliding, a young blonde-haired woman on a jet ski, two couples having a 'donkey fight', some people throwing a foot or soccer ball to one another, a man in a humorous rubber ring, perhaps with a ducks head on it, a lady in a red and white striped bathing suit and a man and woman in a dinghy.

There are several boats near the shore too including a yacht.

On land there is a man buried in sand, a child with an empty cone, dropped her iced-cream, a boy making a sand castle, a couple holding hands, several people lining up to ride a donkey, the donkey's themselves and their owner, a portly lady under a parasol, a man performing a punch and Judy show, a boy and his father attempting to fly a kite, the first of a number of visitors to the beach wearing deliberately misleading red and white striped clothing intended to cause one to believe he may have found Wally early in the proceedings, Wilma - a friend of Wally's, a child playing with a blue and white beach-ball, a man in a shirt pointing out to sea, a lady selling iced creams, Wally's enemy Odlaw in his characteristic black and yellow striped jumper, a group of people trying to from a human pyramid, none of which are Wally, a hapless man being pricked by a cactus though it seems a strange place for a cactus to be, numerous 'Wally Watchers' are here, dressed much like Wally, there's a seagull stealing a sandwich from the picnic basket of an oblivious family, a couple are listening to a radio and several disparate groups are huddled behind brightly coloured wind-breakers. there's Wally himself, a man with a muscular upper body and underdeveloped legs standing near a man with muscular legs yet and underdeveloped torso and arms, a toddler prodding a starfish with a stick and numerous sun bathers and playing children to fill out the area.

How did you do?  Did you find Wally (or Waldo if you're a cowboy)?

Don't worry if you're struggling.  We assure you Wally is in there somewhere but should you be struggling remember, he's the one that looks like Wally.  you know.  From them books.

Vital Information Is Revealed ....

....In this, the penultimate episode of PROFESSOR PROCTO!

NEXT TIME: PROCTO CONCLUDES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robot Jox - A Film Review

Originally seen on The Frugal Film Forum

Robot Jox

Robots:- They come in all shapes and sizes and some even swap between those!

If you were to look for a big blockbuster to watch this week you might well come across Pacific Rim.  Directed by Guillermo del Toro the movie charts the progress of a group of 'Jaeger' pilots as they battle to stop some right big monsters in the destructive tracks as they set about making every city on Earth look like Rochdale.

Of course you might not want to go to the local theatre, preferring to stay in and reduce your chances of being turned into a mancake by a Godzilla.  Should this be the case then why not stay in and watch the Frugal Film Forum's alternative, Robot Jox?

Well I'll tell you why...

During an opening sequence, with a panning shot across a painfully obvious miniature set that looks like a Terminator Salvation Christmas Special, we are informed that the events we are about to eyeball are set fifty years after a nuclear conflict that nearly wiped out the human race.

As the funky, futuristic title credits disperse, we learn that a clearly bad mister called Alexander has just defeated a Buzz Lightyear cosplayer who sports the worst  black eye make-up in the history of cinema.  To make sure we know he is a wrong 'un, Alexander kills , Buzz even though he doesn't have to by stomping on his not metal head with the apparently metal foot of his mean looking robot.

On a side note, I'm not entirely sure these vehicles count as robots at all.  They require a pilot and don't seem to have any independent thoughts or autonomy so...erm...are they not just tanks with legs...?

Anyroad, we are at this point aware that instead of A-bombing each other, the remaining nations have decided to be more civilised by fighting over territory in organised bouts of Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots - a bit like what would have happened had Robot wars carried on, except that the robots in question probably would have still looked like bread bins with epilepsy and instead of land, the pilots would have been fighting for the right to stand nervously near Philippa Forrester and 'checking for change in his pocket.  There's a bit of talk about espionage then it's on with the show.

During a fight training scene we meet Achilles and find out that he's dead good at fighting a bunch of other students who attack him with all the enthusiasm and interest of a Labrador at a stairlift convention.  Then an old cleaning lady asks Achilles and his tubby cowboy friend to do a wank.

After some waffle about a secret weapon (it's a GREEN laser) Achilles embarks on a lengthy robot boarding process that sees about six dozen different people advising him to 'crash and burn'; the troubled future equivalent of 'break a leg', it would seem.

Achilles makes his occasionally stop-motion-animated way onto the battlefield for possibly the least kinetic dust-up in battlin' bot cinema.  As a result of this ruck some people die, including a little moppet with a teddy.  This causes a rematch being announced but Achilles turns down the challenge.

Then he has an argument in which it is revealed that Achilles can't read.  Remember that kids.

One barroom encounter with Alexander later, Achilles wakes up in his room with a severe haircut that is attached to a female trainee pilot.  She calls him a big big poo before Achilles talks to his friend in a cowboy hat who apparently hangs around in the shower room when he's not spouting Texan flavoured advice.  In fairness, like all locker rooms of the future, this one is unisex:- just watch any Paul Verhoeven film.

"Because...you know...bums..."

Anyways, high-hair girl is set the task of fighting Alexander next.  This prompts Achilles to come out of his eight minutes of retirement and take her place.

Oh, and remember mere minutes ago when Achilles chided one of his superiors for thinking he's a mug for not being able to read?  Cue our protagonist entering the scene reading a weapons list.

Meanwhile, cowboy hat man is busy killing a scientist who knows he's a 'Confed' spy.

In a bid to take Achilles' place in the upcoming battle with Alexander, high-hair shoots our 'hero' with the medical worlds' least effective tranquilliser before just knocking him out with knee to the mush anyway.  Do watch out for High-Hair's spinning kick in the ruck, which is so good it causes her to turn into what is quite clearly a man.

Upon waking up almost immediately from being drugged and laid out, Achilles uses his remote controlled car (?) to escape his own flat.

After Achilles gets to the robot command centre, his best mate - cowboy hat man - is revealed to be the turncoat.  Video evidence is required for this even though my cat knew about this 'plot twist'; and she hasn't seen Robot Jox.

Having surreptitiously nicked Achilles' mech, High-Hair takes a proverbial pounding from Alexander.  Achilles drives his magic car out to the battlefield and flies into space for some reason.  After a pointless cruise through the outer atmosphere, the pair return to Earth where Alexander mouth-fucks the nice white robot with his war machine's dick-saw.  Some jiggery-pokery in the bad robots' guts, *SPOILER ALERT* Achilles beats the thinly veiled red menace in a pub style fight before they makes friends and cut to the credits as quickly as the director wanted to just go home and forget about it all.

"Yay!  It's over"

Several questions arise from the movie that does exist. Robot Jox:-

 - Did the Confeds only have one pilot?

 - Speaking of Confeds, what are the goodies called?

 - Why did Achilles train in martial arts when the robots had all the grace and agility of a milk-float up on bricks?

 - Why were green lasers better than not green lasers?

 - Who is this film aimed at?

 - How can I justify spending 85 minutes of precious life watching Robot Jox when I could have been doing something less reproachable, like strangling cats.

"You can ride my tail anytime."

I imagine someone during the making of this steely sci-fi slug fest thought they were making the new Star Wars.  To help give you that same delusory perception might I suggest a Robot Jox drinking game?  Take a slug every time...

 - You see Achilles' scars move from scene to scene.

 - Someone says, 'crash and burn.'

 - There's a scene in Robot Jox's universes' only bar.

 - You start to feel your self getting sober.

Crach and Burn.

Quantum Sheep

PROCTO RETURNS: Part two begins

PART TWO OF OUR ADVENTURE CONTINUES RIGHT .....NOW!

As usual..... TO BE CONTINUED........

NOOooooooooo........

Procto meets .... a new friend? (link to page one) (previous page)

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What Does Karen think of the Professor? WHat is the importance of the missing Placenta? Did you think you would that last sentence when you got up this morning? Where are my pills?

All these questions are more will be answered when PROFESSOR PROCTO RETURNS!.... in two days you lucky buggers!!!!!

Koi Carp Man

A moment of silence please.

Incendiary Devices Are Your Friend

[LAST TIME ON PROFESSOR PROCTO]

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Phew, readers! Looks like our spectacled hero has saved the day.... or has he? What secrets does this man of mystery hold? Find out next time in the edition of PROFESSOR PROCTO!!!! (link)

Good Grief! Professor Procto Returns....

Our story continues today as the mysterious Professor returns home to confront an unknown danger ((Part one here)

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Blimey! Looks like the Prof has arrived just in time... Will he manage to save that little girl? Will the taxi driver get his fare? Stay tuned for more Crazy Comic Chaos...... coming soon! (link to follow)

Darkness Falls As Our Story Begins..

Introducing: An original Sinking Ship Comic book adventure.

Throughout this month follow the adventures SinkingShips very own scientist in his first ever comic book adaptation.

Hero or Villain?

A force of Good or a Do-er of Evil?

Left or Right handed? 

Find all these answers and more as we journey into the unknown mysteries of Science fiction and Science Fact with an insane double issue four page spread

Cover page

page one

page two

Stay tuned for more pages as our adventure continues...... (link to follow)

Choose Yawa Urn Geordie Adventcha

WARNING: this post contains a couple of adult words. You are advised not to be offended at individual words because words CAN NOT HURT YOU. 

This post is for purely educational purposes as anyone who has met a Geordie will know they swear like a docker!

Arnie - an Interview

Hello boys and girls and welcome to the first edition of the Brand New SinkingShip Blog.

Kicking off the month of April we have joined the world famous A to Z challenge in order to supply your eyes and ears with some merriment and mirth.

We start off with a very exciting and EXCLUSIVE interview with everyone's favourite muscleman....

ENJOY.

You Tube version for Mobies

Stay tuned for more hilarious* and entertaining** posts over the next month and beyond.

* sinkingship can not held responsible for the hilarity or lack thereof of any content. If you don't find it funny - that's your problem.
** Ditto.