ZOM-BEE APOCALYPSE (a 998 story)

General Steele ran down the corridors of STOCKDALE UNIVERSITY.

He had traversed these walls many times over the years in his capacity as liaison to the strange and heroic Professor Procto, he had gotten to know the Prof quite well over the years. Their many adventures together had always been successful (apart from that one time at the orphanage… but that’s another story) but there something…otherworldly about the university hallways that made the man of war nervous.

He reached the door and pushed his way through.

He knew better than to knock as the Prof would undoubtedly be caught up in one of his many MANY dangerous experiments.

As he opened the door the General was met with a blanket of pure darkness. Nothing could be seen at all. Light just fell into the nothingness and disappeared.

“Hello? Professor?” called the General.

The reply was not one he expected.

“GOOD GRIEF MAN! SHUT THAT DAMNED DOOR… QUICKLY!”

It was the unmistakable rage of the Professor himself.

The General slammed the door behind him and held his breath.

“Procto? The lights. What’s going on?” He asked.

There was a click of switches and the comfortable hum of electricity breathing life into the strip bulbs on the ceiling. The face of Professor Procto loomed large and mere inches from General Steele’s bearded face.

“Good Lord!” Exclaimed the General.

“Not quite.” Mused the bespectacled man in front of him.

The professor composed himself and his face altered to show the grave danger that they were in.

“General. I’m glad you are here. It appears that one of my experiments has….well… managed to escape.” The professor took a step back and walked over to one of his many work benches.

The General frowned. “But we just destroyed the remains of that haggis monster thing.” Said the General. “It’s all okay now Procto.”

The Professor shook his head. “That’s old news General. No. This was my latest experiment. I was attempting to cure Hay fever. I had genetically modified a bumble bee to be susceptible to pollen in a way that was both ironic and scientifically brilliant… Only… it’s escaped.”

The professor shuffled papers and moved objects around, looking for something in particular.

“I don’t understand professor. What’s so bad about an escaped bee with the sniffles?”

Procto sighed, the way that clever people do when they don’t have time to explain everything because people forget that time is of the essence and danger is all about.

“In changing the Bees DNA some… unforeseen alterations were made to it’s genetic material. You see, this bee is not just a humble bumble… no. It is now a blood sucking living dead insect that could cause the end of humanity if it stings somebody.”

“GASP!” Gasped the General. “You mean….”

“Yes…” interrupted the Professor. “Somewhere out there is a…. ZOMB-BEE!”

Procto held aloft a large gun. “This will help us locate the little bugger.” He said. “It’s a my Chekov’s Gun.” Comes in very handy at times….”

And with that, the General and the Professor left the lab in search of the killer ZOMBEE.

The Gun made a beep-beep noise as they made their way through the many scenic views of Stockdale.

Across the river and past the farmland where the General stopped his colleague “Professor, why is that sheep glowing blue like that?” 

But the Professor hurried him on.

They passed the cemetery, where a funeral for man not yet dead caused the gun to beep-beep a bit faster, but with a quick bit of calibrating, it soon pointed then in the direction of the town centre!

Both men were quickly out breath as they arrived at ARNOLDSCORNER SHOP where the gun off it’s nut, beeping like a mother beeper!

The shop was closed and there was no way in. The general peered through the shop front window.

“Looks like they have a copy of Robot Jox…. I love that film!” said General Steele trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m more a fan of SUPERBRICK myself.” replied the Professor. 

It’s got a better twist at the end.

Suddenly the shop door opened and the owner, Arnold himself towered over them both.

“GUT MORNING!” He bellowed in a thick Austrian accent.

The professor barged passed him. “Let me through man. Science awaits!”

The general apologised and explained the situation to the shop keeper.

“A BEE YOU SAY?” frowned Arnold. “YOU HAD BETTER CAM IN.”

General Steele and Arnold walked into the shop to find Procto jumping back and forth pointing the Chekov gun at random objects in a vain attempt to find the missing bee.

“IT ES OVA HEE-AR!” said Arnold pointing at the window.

“IT STUNG ME ON ZE ARM SO I SHOT WITH MY UZI 9MM” he explained.

The General rushed to the window and amongst the many adverts for poetry groups and wanted guitar requests sat a small squashed bug like mess.

Professor Procto had run over to Arnolds arm to inspect the bite. 

“We need to kill him.” He said.

“WHO? ME?” said Arnold.

The General jumped in. “I’m afraid this bee was infected and will cause you to become a zombie.” He said. “We can’t let you turn into a flesh eating beast… it wouldn’t be cricket.”

“HA HA HA” said Arnold. “YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I AM T-100 TERMINATOR SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO KILL TOM O’CONNOR. BUT I OPENED THIS SHOP INSETEAD.”

“But Tom O’Connor is still alive… isn’t he?” queried the professor.

“YES.” Said Arnold. “BUT HIS CAREER IS IN SUCH TATTERS HE MAY AS WELL BE DEAD AND SO HERE I AM.”

And everybody laughed.

Outside the shop, in the shadows, a mysterious figure in a homemade tinfoil hat made notes in a little pad….. “I knew it!” he said as he slunk back into the depths.

And so the residents of Stockdale was allowed to continue to exist … for now.

Yay. It's Adventure Time!

The Curse of Dave

A Sinking Ship Do what ya bleedin' well want 'adventure'.

How to play 'The Curse of Dave'.

In this story you will be given choices at certain sections of the narrative. These choices will be followed in bold by a section number to which you will navigate in order to continue your journey, the aim of which is not to become a right Dave. Should you become a Dave, your journey as a proper person is over.

For extra spice try the advanced game. Otherwise just ignore all this stuff in the next paragraph or where it mentions Common Decency. a proper Dave would any road.

You start out with 10 Common Decency points which can be lost should you be instructed to by the narrative should you commit any Dave-like acts along your way. A Common Decency score reaching zero will also result in the end of your journey.

Now, turn to section 1 and good luck or whatever...

1.

It's morning and you awake in a half-painted room that was never finished like everything else in your life. You also realize that you're called Dave. Loose a Common Decency point. What would you like to do first?

Go downstairs and make the family breakfast, letting them all know how much you appreciate and treasure them (gain a common decency point and go to 18) or jerk off (go to 5).

2.

Wow. Now that nobody else you know works at your place so can tell the truth, you actually sort of get away with this codswallop. You don't think your drinking partner entirely buys into your tale, if at all, but whadda you care?! Loose 2 Common Decency points and walk with unfounded swagger over to 20.

3.

Without even looking or owt, you 'suddenly realize' you've not got your wallet. It must be on your sacred, hallowed desk at work under all the responsibility they gave you. Your colleague begrudgingly gives you a twenty note, knowing they may as well be folding it neatly and slotting it into a drain cover for all the chance they've got of seeing it again. Gain a pint but loose 3 Common Decency points before turning to 10.

4.

Despite yourself, you resist your friends’ offer of a slice and fall back on your emergency supplies. From your man-bag you produce a Cornish pasty that's had eight hours to congeal and make the bag it's in become utterly transparent from sheer greasiness.

Blind to the take-away owners’ disbelief at your utter cheek for eating chain bought slurry on his premises, you guzzle the matter down, convincing yourself it's as good as any handmade, warm, fresh food.

Now then, having lost 2 Common Decency points, your choices are clear.

Are you going home? If so go to 20. Or are you gonna go to that weird, aloof girl's house that you are sure is gonna give in to you any day now? If so, go to 11.

5.

As you do every morning you rub one out because you are no better than a beast of the field. Now finish your Natwest and go to 18, but not before losing a Common Decency point, you grubby man.

6.

Waking up the next day in hospital you look down at your fully plaster casted body that's got one leg suspended up like they always had in them old Carry-On films for some reason.

The doctors say you may lose half your right leg and that your pelvis and sleen were irreversibly damaged in the incident but you smile nonetheless because you didn't spend any more wedge on someone else, made an absolute pest of yourself AND managed to somehow utilize the free city bus in the process.

The End.

7.

'Ooh! Err!' you say as you make out your phone is ringing but overact slightly, making you look like a medieval serf that's just been shown the MIR space station. One conversation where you didn't quite leave enough gaps for someone to have had time to tell you the things they're supposed to be telling you and you inform your 'friend' that you've gotta shoot off as you're the only person in a twenty mile radius that can get a dead creature off the street.

Ignoring your colleagues baffled look, you stride indignantly out of the bar, beer in your belly and your money where it belongs - in your wallet.

Well done:- The sun isn't even out the sky yet but you've proved yourself to well and truly be a Dave.

The End.

8.

My word, you truly are on the path to becoming a right Dave. You go home and after blithely ignoring texts and calls for two hours, you deign to answer your phone (loose 4 Common Decency points). Speaking to your confused colleague who's been waiting outside a bar in the icy cold for over an hour, you disinterestedly inform him that you forgot, even though it was you that mithered him to arrange a meet-up at some point. You hang up the phone without apologising (fuck it - loose another 3 Common Decency points) before making a mental note to complain to the person - should you ever see them again - that they never try to meet up with you.

Truth be told, there's not much to do at home beyond playing computer games you can't really afford so either start it all over again the next day (go to 1) or end your journey here.

9.

As your friend eats his succulent looking pizza, you stare at it like a junk-yard cur. You really want some but are afraid that if you have so much as a bite of crust, your comrade here might one day expect something in return so you resist.

Seeing the utter anguish in your eyes, your friend insists on buying you a pizza, going to the lengths of hiring a 24-hour call-out lawyer to write up a document protecting you from any future reprisals.  Loose 3 Common Decency points.

To be honest though, the night's over. Are you going home? If so go to 20. Or are you gonna go to that weird, aloof girl's house that you are sure is gonna give in to you any day now? If so, go to 11.

10.

With the prospect of 'free' stuff in your future, you feign interest in your associates conversation until the money runs out. Since you've hopped from bar to bar you actually find yourself near an ATM.

The abject horror of seeing your cashcard go into the device and YOUR FUCKING MONEY!!! coming out fills you with a Lovecraftian dread. To avoid going into a full-bore meltdown do you...

Insist that your card doesn't work in common ATM's because you're so valued at the company they gave you one that only works at certain machines, none of which are in the city limits, go to 2.
Throw yourself under the free bus, go to 6.
Ask if he fancies getting some grub, go to 13.
Come clean, pay your friend any money you owe him and get the next round in without excuse, complaint or woe, go to 17.

11.

Thankfully the bored, non-English speaking bus driver can't see that your single route tram ticket isn't valid on a bus going completely the opposite way. Either that or he knows a potential argument when he sees one.

You turn up at the girls’ house sort of beer tired now so you can't be bothered to climb over her side gate and go through the bins. Instead you make a different but not rare nuisance of yourself tonight by masturbating through her letter box, fucking the door till your tumescent member drools it's seminal fluid onto the stack of take-away menus on the hallway floor.

Knowing fully in your mind that this act has brought you one step closer together, you head back home. Loose like...5 Common Decency points and parade your terrible self over to 20.

12.

Having found a seat in the bar, you tell the person how well you're doing and that the company you work for through an agency is honestly still trying to take you on permanently, but even though most people only work somewhere for a few months before this happens and they are a big, multi-national bank, they are still somehow having trouble with the two man tuppence ha'penny agency that just don't want to see the back of you.

Truth-wrangling over for now, you realize it's almost time to get that dreaded round in. What's your exit plan?

Forgot me wallet, go to 3.
Sudden call - even though your phone clearly didn't go off - to let you know yet another family pet has died, go to 7.
Can ya lend us twenty quid, even though I'd never lend it you and who knows if/when I'll see you again and I've only just been harping on about making three times more than you, go to 19.

13.

At the take-away you wait till you friend has ordered something before pulling a face at the embarrassment of riches that is the menu and say that there's nowt there you want and you're suddenly not that hungry anyway.

But, do you really not want a pizza?

If not, go to 4.
Go on then, you've forced my hand etc...go to 9.

14.

At the bar you notice your friend hasn't arrived yet. Do you want to go and get him a pint in (gain 1 Common Decency point and go to 12) or go around the block again in the hope that he turns up soon (go to 16).

15.

Well, it's not been a bad night. You didn't get away Scott-free as you now owe someone else money so they won't be good for a tap-up for quite some time but you did a text book job in damage limitation.

Loose 2 Common Decency points and head over to 20, ya scamp.

16.

You know all the dirty tricks and after circling the area several times, you see you associate in the bar getting two beers in. You rush in acting all flustered, muttering something about a tram crash or an inconsiderate suicidal man holding up traffic. Loose 2 Common Decency points and go to 12.

17.

Fuck off! If this were a game where you had to actively try to become a reet Dave then rest assured sunshine, it'd be curtains for you now but since yer an alright lad/lass, let's try that one again, but not before gaining 2 Common Decency point.

Insist that your card doesn't work in common ATM's because you're so valued at the company they gave you one that only works at certain machines, none of which are in the city limits, go to 2.
Ask if he fancies getting some grub, go to 13.
Throw yourself under the free bus, go to 6.

18.

After a breakfast of some knock off version of 'Go Ahead' bars that cost 69 pence for a hundred weight box, you head to work. That's frankly uneventful so let's just skip to the end of the work day.

Unbelievably, somebody texts you and asks you if you fancy a few after-work scoops. If you want to graciously accept their invitation go to 14. If you'd like to accept but then not turn up go to 8.

19.

Your friend offers to lend you some money because hey, you're good for it right? You take the wedge (loose 3 Common Decency points) and the night continues. After an odd number of rounds you realize that if you keep this up you'll have paid your fair share! In a blind, adrenaline fuelled panic you realize you have two choices...

Get up and say something about how if you're not on top form tomorrow, one of the biggest profiteering companies in the UK will go under (loose 2 Common Decency points and go to 15.
Don't even bother with the excuses. Just put your man-bag on and say you're going without a bye or leave, still go to 15 but loose 4 Common Decency points for your effort or lack thereof.
Ask him if he fancies summat to eat instead, go to 13.

20.

What a day! You're exhausted from telling fanciful tales and how inconsiderate was that 'friend' of yours for making you work a bit for that money he earned through hard graft that could've fed his kids or whatever? You shaln't be seeing him any time soon!

Still, that night you sleep soundly enough. Sure, at the regular times of 2, 3:30 and just gone 5 in the morning, the demons come, but you just smile with self-satisfaction, secure in your minor, yet effective grifting abilities.

The Bitter End.

XXIV (24)

Here it is. The final episode of PROFESSOR PROCTO.

24 pages of pure comic book gold. 

Read on to find out the final conclusion of our hero's journey...

The full Procto adventure can be read over on our PROCTO PAGE!!

Where's Wally? A Prose Puzzle

The eighties gave us Puttin' On The Ritz by Taco, Krull, Thunder Cats crisps and other relics found now only in museums.  One creation that hung around for a fair old spell was Wally, or as he's known across the pond, Winky The Paedophile.

Today's modern readership can still find real books made of tigers or rhino horn or whatever it is they're carved from and while away hours looking for the eponymous protagonist whilst slowly going blind in the process.

Here in the sophisticated era that gave us Made in Chelsea, twerking and Hipsters it's time for Wally to move on.  So, with illustrated books, cartoons and even cereal covered in sugar, ladies and gentlemen, we give you Wally's first ever prose book...

...enjoy.

Where's Wally?  The Seaside Shenanigans.

In a frankly baffling scenario, an unlikely number of people crowded together on, let's saaaayyy...a beach. 
Yeah:- That'll do. 
Most people are on the sandy beach itself but several are either out in the water or on various water-borne vessels.

In the sea itself there is a man paragliding, a young blonde-haired woman on a jet ski, two couples having a 'donkey fight', some people throwing a foot or soccer ball to one another, a man in a humorous rubber ring, perhaps with a ducks head on it, a lady in a red and white striped bathing suit and a man and woman in a dinghy.

There are several boats near the shore too including a yacht.

On land there is a man buried in sand, a child with an empty cone, dropped her iced-cream, a boy making a sand castle, a couple holding hands, several people lining up to ride a donkey, the donkey's themselves and their owner, a portly lady under a parasol, a man performing a punch and Judy show, a boy and his father attempting to fly a kite, the first of a number of visitors to the beach wearing deliberately misleading red and white striped clothing intended to cause one to believe he may have found Wally early in the proceedings, Wilma - a friend of Wally's, a child playing with a blue and white beach-ball, a man in a shirt pointing out to sea, a lady selling iced creams, Wally's enemy Odlaw in his characteristic black and yellow striped jumper, a group of people trying to from a human pyramid, none of which are Wally, a hapless man being pricked by a cactus though it seems a strange place for a cactus to be, numerous 'Wally Watchers' are here, dressed much like Wally, there's a seagull stealing a sandwich from the picnic basket of an oblivious family, a couple are listening to a radio and several disparate groups are huddled behind brightly coloured wind-breakers. there's Wally himself, a man with a muscular upper body and underdeveloped legs standing near a man with muscular legs yet and underdeveloped torso and arms, a toddler prodding a starfish with a stick and numerous sun bathers and playing children to fill out the area.

How did you do?  Did you find Wally (or Waldo if you're a cowboy)?

Don't worry if you're struggling.  We assure you Wally is in there somewhere but should you be struggling remember, he's the one that looks like Wally.  you know.  From them books.

Vital Information Is Revealed ....

....In this, the penultimate episode of PROFESSOR PROCTO!

NEXT TIME: PROCTO CONCLUDES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncredible Hulk

TRIBUTE - Tom O'Connor (not yet deceased)

Tom O’Connor – a made up tribute.

Just in case he pops his clogs (and let’s face it – it can’t be long off now) we dedicate the letter T to the life and times of your very own Tom O’Connor.

Scouser Tom started life as a baby and over the years grew up to a man. But not just any man. He became a man of some substance. What that substance was, nobody knows or dare say, but made of it he was.

He accepted money for doing things, some of which were jobs and it quickly became apparent that he was "quite funny", or at least that’s what people told him.

Tom decided that his mission in life was to make people laugh and the only to this was to become a comedian in the seventies.

Tom travelled all the way to the 1970’s in his dads Morris Minor and told racist jokes and one liners about mother-in-laws until the cows came home.

It took quite a while for the cows to come home as they were more into Bernard Manning but by the time they DID arrive home Tom O’Connor was a house hold name.

This was made all the easier by the introduction of his own brand of yellow dusters called “Tom O’Connor’s yellow Dusters” and as they were cheaper than normal yellow dusters they soon found their way into every home in the land.

In some cases Tom would even sneak in to houses and insert his yellow dusters in house wives cleaning cupboards just to bring up the averages.

Tom soon realised that the 1970’s wouldn’t last forever and as the dying breathes of that decade drew nearer Tom took every opportunity that came his way.

By October 1978 Tom was presenting 75% of all game shows on ITV. This hectic schedule took its toll on Toms marriage, the long weekends away filming meant he missed his family and wife and her lovely home cooking.

The final straw for Tom was when the national tabloids reported that his yellow dusters were not very good and frumpy housewives across the land were urged to use old newspaper and some lemon juice to counteract Toms nonsense!

This news broke Tom’s heart... and his bank account.

Disillusioned with the sneers and name calling Tom packed his bags and went far far away on a sailing ship where he was free from accusing eyes and rabid finger pointing and he was once again free to tell his racist jokes over and over and over.... and over again.

Today Tom can still be found on boats and ships telling “that joke” to anyone who will listen or gets within grasping reaching of his grabby hands.

 Tom is very happy, when he is not looking p*ssed off like this photo I took of him just after after I called him a berk.

He was last seen on TV during a weeklong stint in dictionary corner on COUNTDOWN in the 2007 where he told a very unfunny that ,for some reason nobody can fathom, contained a word I dare not print but did involve the word P****  depending on how you spell it.

That joke is nowhere to be found on the internet – but he did say it.

What I did find though, was his other joke (he has two!).

Here it is. Try not to laugh too hard.

Tom O'Connor is available for works Do's, Shopping centre openings, Hospital ward fund raisers and Big Brother. (no calls after 8pm.)

So when Tom O'Connor dies make sure you come back here and leave a comment of condolence. 
Until then, why not leave YOUR fake memories of Tom and how he promised to make you a star but never returned your calls and now you don't what you are supposed to do with 6 pallets of yellow dusters!

Superbrick

 There are several Sinking Ship original characters already in existence bringing various levels of joy/misery.  Joining that pantheon of legends in waiting comes the latest in the last line of defence against holes in walls or not holes in plates glass:- Ladies and gentlemen, we give you...

Robot Jox - A Film Review

Originally seen on The Frugal Film Forum

Robot Jox

Robots:- They come in all shapes and sizes and some even swap between those!

If you were to look for a big blockbuster to watch this week you might well come across Pacific Rim.  Directed by Guillermo del Toro the movie charts the progress of a group of 'Jaeger' pilots as they battle to stop some right big monsters in the destructive tracks as they set about making every city on Earth look like Rochdale.

Of course you might not want to go to the local theatre, preferring to stay in and reduce your chances of being turned into a mancake by a Godzilla.  Should this be the case then why not stay in and watch the Frugal Film Forum's alternative, Robot Jox?

Well I'll tell you why...

During an opening sequence, with a panning shot across a painfully obvious miniature set that looks like a Terminator Salvation Christmas Special, we are informed that the events we are about to eyeball are set fifty years after a nuclear conflict that nearly wiped out the human race.

As the funky, futuristic title credits disperse, we learn that a clearly bad mister called Alexander has just defeated a Buzz Lightyear cosplayer who sports the worst  black eye make-up in the history of cinema.  To make sure we know he is a wrong 'un, Alexander kills , Buzz even though he doesn't have to by stomping on his not metal head with the apparently metal foot of his mean looking robot.

On a side note, I'm not entirely sure these vehicles count as robots at all.  They require a pilot and don't seem to have any independent thoughts or autonomy so...erm...are they not just tanks with legs...?

Anyroad, we are at this point aware that instead of A-bombing each other, the remaining nations have decided to be more civilised by fighting over territory in organised bouts of Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots - a bit like what would have happened had Robot wars carried on, except that the robots in question probably would have still looked like bread bins with epilepsy and instead of land, the pilots would have been fighting for the right to stand nervously near Philippa Forrester and 'checking for change in his pocket.  There's a bit of talk about espionage then it's on with the show.

During a fight training scene we meet Achilles and find out that he's dead good at fighting a bunch of other students who attack him with all the enthusiasm and interest of a Labrador at a stairlift convention.  Then an old cleaning lady asks Achilles and his tubby cowboy friend to do a wank.

After some waffle about a secret weapon (it's a GREEN laser) Achilles embarks on a lengthy robot boarding process that sees about six dozen different people advising him to 'crash and burn'; the troubled future equivalent of 'break a leg', it would seem.

Achilles makes his occasionally stop-motion-animated way onto the battlefield for possibly the least kinetic dust-up in battlin' bot cinema.  As a result of this ruck some people die, including a little moppet with a teddy.  This causes a rematch being announced but Achilles turns down the challenge.

Then he has an argument in which it is revealed that Achilles can't read.  Remember that kids.

One barroom encounter with Alexander later, Achilles wakes up in his room with a severe haircut that is attached to a female trainee pilot.  She calls him a big big poo before Achilles talks to his friend in a cowboy hat who apparently hangs around in the shower room when he's not spouting Texan flavoured advice.  In fairness, like all locker rooms of the future, this one is unisex:- just watch any Paul Verhoeven film.

"Because...you know...bums..."

Anyways, high-hair girl is set the task of fighting Alexander next.  This prompts Achilles to come out of his eight minutes of retirement and take her place.

Oh, and remember mere minutes ago when Achilles chided one of his superiors for thinking he's a mug for not being able to read?  Cue our protagonist entering the scene reading a weapons list.

Meanwhile, cowboy hat man is busy killing a scientist who knows he's a 'Confed' spy.

In a bid to take Achilles' place in the upcoming battle with Alexander, high-hair shoots our 'hero' with the medical worlds' least effective tranquilliser before just knocking him out with knee to the mush anyway.  Do watch out for High-Hair's spinning kick in the ruck, which is so good it causes her to turn into what is quite clearly a man.

Upon waking up almost immediately from being drugged and laid out, Achilles uses his remote controlled car (?) to escape his own flat.

After Achilles gets to the robot command centre, his best mate - cowboy hat man - is revealed to be the turncoat.  Video evidence is required for this even though my cat knew about this 'plot twist'; and she hasn't seen Robot Jox.

Having surreptitiously nicked Achilles' mech, High-Hair takes a proverbial pounding from Alexander.  Achilles drives his magic car out to the battlefield and flies into space for some reason.  After a pointless cruise through the outer atmosphere, the pair return to Earth where Alexander mouth-fucks the nice white robot with his war machine's dick-saw.  Some jiggery-pokery in the bad robots' guts, *SPOILER ALERT* Achilles beats the thinly veiled red menace in a pub style fight before they makes friends and cut to the credits as quickly as the director wanted to just go home and forget about it all.

"Yay!  It's over"

Several questions arise from the movie that does exist. Robot Jox:-

 - Did the Confeds only have one pilot?

 - Speaking of Confeds, what are the goodies called?

 - Why did Achilles train in martial arts when the robots had all the grace and agility of a milk-float up on bricks?

 - Why were green lasers better than not green lasers?

 - Who is this film aimed at?

 - How can I justify spending 85 minutes of precious life watching Robot Jox when I could have been doing something less reproachable, like strangling cats.

"You can ride my tail anytime."

I imagine someone during the making of this steely sci-fi slug fest thought they were making the new Star Wars.  To help give you that same delusory perception might I suggest a Robot Jox drinking game?  Take a slug every time...

 - You see Achilles' scars move from scene to scene.

 - Someone says, 'crash and burn.'

 - There's a scene in Robot Jox's universes' only bar.

 - You start to feel your self getting sober.

Crach and Burn.

Quantum Sheep

PROCTO RETURNS: Part two begins

PART TWO OF OUR ADVENTURE CONTINUES RIGHT .....NOW!

As usual..... TO BE CONTINUED........

Oranges - A Henry Hut Investagation

Henry Hut, TRUTH WIZARD, back again to highlight something that has been bothering me for quite some time.

There are those in the world of literature who like nothing more than making people feel stupid by telling them utter lies.

Then there are the idiots who actually believe everything they read.

Take this following statement for example:

"Nothing rhymes with the word Orange."

This is, of course, a lie.

There is at least one word I know of that DOES rhyme with the word Orange and that word is Lozenge.

The corrupter's of correctness are aware of the word lozenge but are with their smug words and neckerchiefs, say things like, "It's not a PROPER rhyme..." and such waffle.

This is, of course, a lie.

If a word sounds like another word then it is a rhyme. full stop.

Here is a scientific test....

"I once ate a lozenge.
It tasted just like Orange."

If you say that out loud you will be able to clearly see (or hear) that those two words are rhymes. Not partial rhymes, or non-real rhymes, but full on, hard core mega rhymes.

In much the same way that cat rhymes with hat Orange rhymes with Lozenge.

however, the conspiracy with Oranges doesn't stop there.

wait.... what are these?

The natural colour of an Orange is in fact..... green (sometimes)! The humble orange is not a natural fruit either but a fruit created by man in much the same way dogs were.

I don't mean than cavemen used wild wolves until they bred the perfect citrus fruit - that would be crazy - but the Orange was created as a hybrid of tangerines and the "Chinese Grapefruit" known as Pomelo.

Oranges are actually gentically modified Grapefruits. 

This is all true but poets don't want you to know this because they are smug and selfish ... well, something that rhymes with Truckers!!!!!

I am Henry Hut THE TRUTH WIZARD and you have just been facted!