ZOM-BEE APOCALYPSE (a 998 story)

General Steele ran down the corridors of STOCKDALE UNIVERSITY.

He had traversed these walls many times over the years in his capacity as liaison to the strange and heroic Professor Procto, he had gotten to know the Prof quite well over the years. Their many adventures together had always been successful (apart from that one time at the orphanage… but that’s another story) but there something…otherworldly about the university hallways that made the man of war nervous.

He reached the door and pushed his way through.

He knew better than to knock as the Prof would undoubtedly be caught up in one of his many MANY dangerous experiments.

As he opened the door the General was met with a blanket of pure darkness. Nothing could be seen at all. Light just fell into the nothingness and disappeared.

“Hello? Professor?” called the General.

The reply was not one he expected.

“GOOD GRIEF MAN! SHUT THAT DAMNED DOOR… QUICKLY!”

It was the unmistakable rage of the Professor himself.

The General slammed the door behind him and held his breath.

“Procto? The lights. What’s going on?” He asked.

There was a click of switches and the comfortable hum of electricity breathing life into the strip bulbs on the ceiling. The face of Professor Procto loomed large and mere inches from General Steele’s bearded face.

“Good Lord!” Exclaimed the General.

“Not quite.” Mused the bespectacled man in front of him.

The professor composed himself and his face altered to show the grave danger that they were in.

“General. I’m glad you are here. It appears that one of my experiments has….well… managed to escape.” The professor took a step back and walked over to one of his many work benches.

The General frowned. “But we just destroyed the remains of that haggis monster thing.” Said the General. “It’s all okay now Procto.”

The Professor shook his head. “That’s old news General. No. This was my latest experiment. I was attempting to cure Hay fever. I had genetically modified a bumble bee to be susceptible to pollen in a way that was both ironic and scientifically brilliant… Only… it’s escaped.”

The professor shuffled papers and moved objects around, looking for something in particular.

“I don’t understand professor. What’s so bad about an escaped bee with the sniffles?”

Procto sighed, the way that clever people do when they don’t have time to explain everything because people forget that time is of the essence and danger is all about.

“In changing the Bees DNA some… unforeseen alterations were made to it’s genetic material. You see, this bee is not just a humble bumble… no. It is now a blood sucking living dead insect that could cause the end of humanity if it stings somebody.”

“GASP!” Gasped the General. “You mean….”

“Yes…” interrupted the Professor. “Somewhere out there is a…. ZOMB-BEE!”

Procto held aloft a large gun. “This will help us locate the little bugger.” He said. “It’s a my Chekov’s Gun.” Comes in very handy at times….”

And with that, the General and the Professor left the lab in search of the killer ZOMBEE.

The Gun made a beep-beep noise as they made their way through the many scenic views of Stockdale.

Across the river and past the farmland where the General stopped his colleague “Professor, why is that sheep glowing blue like that?” 

But the Professor hurried him on.

They passed the cemetery, where a funeral for man not yet dead caused the gun to beep-beep a bit faster, but with a quick bit of calibrating, it soon pointed then in the direction of the town centre!

Both men were quickly out breath as they arrived at ARNOLDSCORNER SHOP where the gun off it’s nut, beeping like a mother beeper!

The shop was closed and there was no way in. The general peered through the shop front window.

“Looks like they have a copy of Robot Jox…. I love that film!” said General Steele trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m more a fan of SUPERBRICK myself.” replied the Professor. 

It’s got a better twist at the end.

Suddenly the shop door opened and the owner, Arnold himself towered over them both.

“GUT MORNING!” He bellowed in a thick Austrian accent.

The professor barged passed him. “Let me through man. Science awaits!”

The general apologised and explained the situation to the shop keeper.

“A BEE YOU SAY?” frowned Arnold. “YOU HAD BETTER CAM IN.”

General Steele and Arnold walked into the shop to find Procto jumping back and forth pointing the Chekov gun at random objects in a vain attempt to find the missing bee.

“IT ES OVA HEE-AR!” said Arnold pointing at the window.

“IT STUNG ME ON ZE ARM SO I SHOT WITH MY UZI 9MM” he explained.

The General rushed to the window and amongst the many adverts for poetry groups and wanted guitar requests sat a small squashed bug like mess.

Professor Procto had run over to Arnolds arm to inspect the bite. 

“We need to kill him.” He said.

“WHO? ME?” said Arnold.

The General jumped in. “I’m afraid this bee was infected and will cause you to become a zombie.” He said. “We can’t let you turn into a flesh eating beast… it wouldn’t be cricket.”

“HA HA HA” said Arnold. “YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I AM T-100 TERMINATOR SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO KILL TOM O’CONNOR. BUT I OPENED THIS SHOP INSETEAD.”

“But Tom O’Connor is still alive… isn’t he?” queried the professor.

“YES.” Said Arnold. “BUT HIS CAREER IS IN SUCH TATTERS HE MAY AS WELL BE DEAD AND SO HERE I AM.”

And everybody laughed.

Outside the shop, in the shadows, a mysterious figure in a homemade tinfoil hat made notes in a little pad….. “I knew it!” he said as he slunk back into the depths.

And so the residents of Stockdale was allowed to continue to exist … for now.

Yay. It's Adventure Time!

The Curse of Dave

A Sinking Ship Do what ya bleedin' well want 'adventure'.

How to play 'The Curse of Dave'.

In this story you will be given choices at certain sections of the narrative. These choices will be followed in bold by a section number to which you will navigate in order to continue your journey, the aim of which is not to become a right Dave. Should you become a Dave, your journey as a proper person is over.

For extra spice try the advanced game. Otherwise just ignore all this stuff in the next paragraph or where it mentions Common Decency. a proper Dave would any road.

You start out with 10 Common Decency points which can be lost should you be instructed to by the narrative should you commit any Dave-like acts along your way. A Common Decency score reaching zero will also result in the end of your journey.

Now, turn to section 1 and good luck or whatever...

1.

It's morning and you awake in a half-painted room that was never finished like everything else in your life. You also realize that you're called Dave. Loose a Common Decency point. What would you like to do first?

Go downstairs and make the family breakfast, letting them all know how much you appreciate and treasure them (gain a common decency point and go to 18) or jerk off (go to 5).

2.

Wow. Now that nobody else you know works at your place so can tell the truth, you actually sort of get away with this codswallop. You don't think your drinking partner entirely buys into your tale, if at all, but whadda you care?! Loose 2 Common Decency points and walk with unfounded swagger over to 20.

3.

Without even looking or owt, you 'suddenly realize' you've not got your wallet. It must be on your sacred, hallowed desk at work under all the responsibility they gave you. Your colleague begrudgingly gives you a twenty note, knowing they may as well be folding it neatly and slotting it into a drain cover for all the chance they've got of seeing it again. Gain a pint but loose 3 Common Decency points before turning to 10.

4.

Despite yourself, you resist your friends’ offer of a slice and fall back on your emergency supplies. From your man-bag you produce a Cornish pasty that's had eight hours to congeal and make the bag it's in become utterly transparent from sheer greasiness.

Blind to the take-away owners’ disbelief at your utter cheek for eating chain bought slurry on his premises, you guzzle the matter down, convincing yourself it's as good as any handmade, warm, fresh food.

Now then, having lost 2 Common Decency points, your choices are clear.

Are you going home? If so go to 20. Or are you gonna go to that weird, aloof girl's house that you are sure is gonna give in to you any day now? If so, go to 11.

5.

As you do every morning you rub one out because you are no better than a beast of the field. Now finish your Natwest and go to 18, but not before losing a Common Decency point, you grubby man.

6.

Waking up the next day in hospital you look down at your fully plaster casted body that's got one leg suspended up like they always had in them old Carry-On films for some reason.

The doctors say you may lose half your right leg and that your pelvis and sleen were irreversibly damaged in the incident but you smile nonetheless because you didn't spend any more wedge on someone else, made an absolute pest of yourself AND managed to somehow utilize the free city bus in the process.

The End.

7.

'Ooh! Err!' you say as you make out your phone is ringing but overact slightly, making you look like a medieval serf that's just been shown the MIR space station. One conversation where you didn't quite leave enough gaps for someone to have had time to tell you the things they're supposed to be telling you and you inform your 'friend' that you've gotta shoot off as you're the only person in a twenty mile radius that can get a dead creature off the street.

Ignoring your colleagues baffled look, you stride indignantly out of the bar, beer in your belly and your money where it belongs - in your wallet.

Well done:- The sun isn't even out the sky yet but you've proved yourself to well and truly be a Dave.

The End.

8.

My word, you truly are on the path to becoming a right Dave. You go home and after blithely ignoring texts and calls for two hours, you deign to answer your phone (loose 4 Common Decency points). Speaking to your confused colleague who's been waiting outside a bar in the icy cold for over an hour, you disinterestedly inform him that you forgot, even though it was you that mithered him to arrange a meet-up at some point. You hang up the phone without apologising (fuck it - loose another 3 Common Decency points) before making a mental note to complain to the person - should you ever see them again - that they never try to meet up with you.

Truth be told, there's not much to do at home beyond playing computer games you can't really afford so either start it all over again the next day (go to 1) or end your journey here.

9.

As your friend eats his succulent looking pizza, you stare at it like a junk-yard cur. You really want some but are afraid that if you have so much as a bite of crust, your comrade here might one day expect something in return so you resist.

Seeing the utter anguish in your eyes, your friend insists on buying you a pizza, going to the lengths of hiring a 24-hour call-out lawyer to write up a document protecting you from any future reprisals.  Loose 3 Common Decency points.

To be honest though, the night's over. Are you going home? If so go to 20. Or are you gonna go to that weird, aloof girl's house that you are sure is gonna give in to you any day now? If so, go to 11.

10.

With the prospect of 'free' stuff in your future, you feign interest in your associates conversation until the money runs out. Since you've hopped from bar to bar you actually find yourself near an ATM.

The abject horror of seeing your cashcard go into the device and YOUR FUCKING MONEY!!! coming out fills you with a Lovecraftian dread. To avoid going into a full-bore meltdown do you...

Insist that your card doesn't work in common ATM's because you're so valued at the company they gave you one that only works at certain machines, none of which are in the city limits, go to 2.
Throw yourself under the free bus, go to 6.
Ask if he fancies getting some grub, go to 13.
Come clean, pay your friend any money you owe him and get the next round in without excuse, complaint or woe, go to 17.

11.

Thankfully the bored, non-English speaking bus driver can't see that your single route tram ticket isn't valid on a bus going completely the opposite way. Either that or he knows a potential argument when he sees one.

You turn up at the girls’ house sort of beer tired now so you can't be bothered to climb over her side gate and go through the bins. Instead you make a different but not rare nuisance of yourself tonight by masturbating through her letter box, fucking the door till your tumescent member drools it's seminal fluid onto the stack of take-away menus on the hallway floor.

Knowing fully in your mind that this act has brought you one step closer together, you head back home. Loose like...5 Common Decency points and parade your terrible self over to 20.

12.

Having found a seat in the bar, you tell the person how well you're doing and that the company you work for through an agency is honestly still trying to take you on permanently, but even though most people only work somewhere for a few months before this happens and they are a big, multi-national bank, they are still somehow having trouble with the two man tuppence ha'penny agency that just don't want to see the back of you.

Truth-wrangling over for now, you realize it's almost time to get that dreaded round in. What's your exit plan?

Forgot me wallet, go to 3.
Sudden call - even though your phone clearly didn't go off - to let you know yet another family pet has died, go to 7.
Can ya lend us twenty quid, even though I'd never lend it you and who knows if/when I'll see you again and I've only just been harping on about making three times more than you, go to 19.

13.

At the take-away you wait till you friend has ordered something before pulling a face at the embarrassment of riches that is the menu and say that there's nowt there you want and you're suddenly not that hungry anyway.

But, do you really not want a pizza?

If not, go to 4.
Go on then, you've forced my hand etc...go to 9.

14.

At the bar you notice your friend hasn't arrived yet. Do you want to go and get him a pint in (gain 1 Common Decency point and go to 12) or go around the block again in the hope that he turns up soon (go to 16).

15.

Well, it's not been a bad night. You didn't get away Scott-free as you now owe someone else money so they won't be good for a tap-up for quite some time but you did a text book job in damage limitation.

Loose 2 Common Decency points and head over to 20, ya scamp.

16.

You know all the dirty tricks and after circling the area several times, you see you associate in the bar getting two beers in. You rush in acting all flustered, muttering something about a tram crash or an inconsiderate suicidal man holding up traffic. Loose 2 Common Decency points and go to 12.

17.

Fuck off! If this were a game where you had to actively try to become a reet Dave then rest assured sunshine, it'd be curtains for you now but since yer an alright lad/lass, let's try that one again, but not before gaining 2 Common Decency point.

Insist that your card doesn't work in common ATM's because you're so valued at the company they gave you one that only works at certain machines, none of which are in the city limits, go to 2.
Ask if he fancies getting some grub, go to 13.
Throw yourself under the free bus, go to 6.

18.

After a breakfast of some knock off version of 'Go Ahead' bars that cost 69 pence for a hundred weight box, you head to work. That's frankly uneventful so let's just skip to the end of the work day.

Unbelievably, somebody texts you and asks you if you fancy a few after-work scoops. If you want to graciously accept their invitation go to 14. If you'd like to accept but then not turn up go to 8.

19.

Your friend offers to lend you some money because hey, you're good for it right? You take the wedge (loose 3 Common Decency points) and the night continues. After an odd number of rounds you realize that if you keep this up you'll have paid your fair share! In a blind, adrenaline fuelled panic you realize you have two choices...

Get up and say something about how if you're not on top form tomorrow, one of the biggest profiteering companies in the UK will go under (loose 2 Common Decency points and go to 15.
Don't even bother with the excuses. Just put your man-bag on and say you're going without a bye or leave, still go to 15 but loose 4 Common Decency points for your effort or lack thereof.
Ask him if he fancies summat to eat instead, go to 13.

20.

What a day! You're exhausted from telling fanciful tales and how inconsiderate was that 'friend' of yours for making you work a bit for that money he earned through hard graft that could've fed his kids or whatever? You shaln't be seeing him any time soon!

Still, that night you sleep soundly enough. Sure, at the regular times of 2, 3:30 and just gone 5 in the morning, the demons come, but you just smile with self-satisfaction, secure in your minor, yet effective grifting abilities.

The Bitter End.