I'm Mrs Featheringay.
I run a B&B in Stockdale, home to gentlemen of employment of many fields who crave a home cooked meal and room available at reasonable prices.
Over the years I have collected many helpful tips and tricks as part of my role as surrogate mother to the many men who have crossed my threshold.
Today I wish to share some of these with you, the public.
Please wipe your feet and don't touch the Toby jugs....
- Make the most of the internet by using a computer
- Enjoy that coveted millionaire lifestyle by winning the lottery
- Keep cool in the summer by unbuttoning your top cardigan.
- Keep warm in the winter by adding an extra cardigan
- Reduce the strain of dusting the sideboards by filling them with Toby jugs and pictures of grandchildren that don’t call or write.
- Keep active in your later years by writing letters of complaint to the BBC,council, garden centre.
- Ensure carpets stay at the best by not letting anybody in your house.
- Post office queues are an excellent place to share news on your grandchildren, who never write or call, to complete strangers.
- Turning the volume up on the TV is a preferred method of letting your neighbours know your are hard of hearing.
- Don’t be afraid to break wind in company, it can sometimes be the only way to let visitors know when it’s time to leave.
So there you go readers, Just a small selection of proactive activities YOU TOO can try out to ensure a happy and healthy life.
These tips and many more will soon be available in my new book "You Can't Teach Your Grandmother To Suck Eggs (because you never visit or call) VOL:1"
Thanks for reading.... Cheerio!