Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Mrs Featheringay's Handy Household Hints.

Hello dearies. 

I'm Mrs Featheringay.

I run a B&B in Stockdale, home to gentlemen of employment of many fields who crave a home cooked meal and room available at reasonable prices.

Over the years I have collected many helpful tips and tricks as part of my role as surrogate mother to the many men who have crossed my threshold.

Today I wish to share some of these with you, the public.

Please wipe your feet and don't touch the Toby jugs....

Mrs Featheringay.

  • Make the most of the internet by using a computer

  • Enjoy that coveted millionaire lifestyle by winning the lottery

  • Keep cool in the summer by unbuttoning your top cardigan.

  • Keep warm in the winter by adding an extra cardigan

  • Reduce the strain of dusting the sideboards by filling them with Toby jugs and pictures of grandchildren that don’t call or write.

  • Keep active in your later years by writing letters of complaint to the BBC,council, garden centre.

  • Ensure carpets stay at the best by not letting anybody in your house.

  • Post office queues are an excellent place to share news on your grandchildren, who never write or call, to complete strangers.

  • Turning the volume up on the TV is a preferred method of letting your neighbours know your are hard of hearing.

  • Don’t be afraid to break wind in company, it can sometimes be the only way to let visitors know when it’s time to leave.

So there you go readers, Just a small selection of proactive activities YOU TOO can try out to ensure a happy and healthy life.

These tips and many more will soon be available in my new book "You Can't Teach Your Grandmother To Suck Eggs (because you never visit or call) VOL:1" 

Thanks for reading.... Cheerio!


  1. Hey Mrs Featheringay, how are you doin? What are you wearing? Six cardigans? Oh yeah, I'd like to see what's underneath that 5th layer. Oh yeah, say my name Mrs Featheringay. Say my name during a slightly racist anecdote about how things used to be better before the immigrants moved in....

    1. Mr Addman, you are a very cheeky young boy. Typical of todays terrible youth.

      You remind me of a young Mr Featheringay before he ran away with that floosy Edna Spoon from number 40..... she was a right slag.

  2. That old saying . . . . You Can't Teach Your Grandmother To Suck Eggs. . . . . I have often wondered why she sucked the eggs in the first place, I mean it is easier to just break the egg and use its contents for whatever use you plan to use it. Thats what I do, lets face it what practical use has an empty eggshell got. . . . I expect you to come up with at least three really good ones now.

    Ooooo those pictures of grandchildren does it matter whose they are.

    1. Mr Tobor, an empty eggshell has many uses, including, but restricted to:

      A perfect pot fro growing cress... My grandchildren grew some in my fridge when they were little..... Haven't been round since and now it looks like the Amazon rain forest in there!

      You can also pulverize dried egg shells with a mortar and pestle, then whisk the powder in with an egg white and use for a healthful, skin-tightening facial. Allow the face mask to dry before rinsing it off.

      Or what about - The Fuel of Tomorrow?
      Researchers at Ohio State University recently discovered that eggshells might be the key to producing affordable hydrogen fuel.

      Those crazy scientists and their daft ideas!!!!

    2. Are you sure you are not using broken egg shells Mrs Featheringay . . . . I cant see a lot of sucking going on. . . . . . . . OK maybe I stop right there I have images in my head I dont approve of. . . .


Poop deck. - hahahahaha I said poop!