Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Professor Procto's Problem Page

Everyone has issues, where it be weight problems, relationship issues of creating a formula for the unified theory of everything.

Here at Sinkingship we want to do our part to help those less fortunate than ourselves and offer answers to those that ask.

The following letters of angst have been sent in by loyal followers:

Dear Professor Procto.

I have been in a dead end relationship for the past 3 years. My girlfriend doesn't understand me. She hates my friends, criticises my taste in clothes and refuses to share in any of my hobbies.
How can I rekindle that spark that shone so brightly in the early days of our relationship?
Yours - Sad and Unloved.

Dear S and U.
SCIENCE is the answer to this one.
I find that magnesium dropped into a bowl of water can create huge sparks and a loud BANG! if that's what you mean.
Because you come across as a bit of wuss I'm sending you a vial of my latest serum of MEGA-meta-testosterone (b12), which has had "some" success in mutating the sexual response in female leeches. I don't see why a few drops of this in your morning coffee shouldn't pique your partners interest in you. Just don't eat anything green for a couple of weeks... 

Dear Prof.
I have been out of work since 2012 after my boss found me drunk under the desk one Thursday afternoon. How can I get back into the world of full time employment?
Sincerely - Out of Pocket.

Dear OoP.
There are many jobs out there if you know where to look. You are obviously the sort who likes a tipple every now and then so may I suggest you apply to become a wine taster at a local vineyard or perhaps become part of a human trial experimentation subject?

Then again I always find a quick fix to cash flow problems can be resolved with a little SCIENCE!

I have a few experiments I wish to develop involving Mercury, liquid latex and/or the effects of high energy laser beams shot directly into the human brain.
If any of these sounds like they are up your alley, write back with a urine sample and I'll see what I can do.

Dear Professor Procto.
I woke up last Saturday with a banging headache... oh yes and an EXTRA ARM! I don't what you did to me when I agreed to help you move those boxes the other week but having completely lost my memory of any events since our encounter I can't shake off this feeling that you have violated me somehow with strange and unethical experiments.
What are you going to do about this extra arm? I can get any of my shirts to fit me and I glow in the dark.

Dear H.
I'm sorry but I am not here the person you are trying to reach is no longer known at this address.
Good luck in your endeavours.
Senior Jamal De La Googlehiem III.

Well, it looks like that's all we have time for this week folks.

Remember SCIENCE is the answer!



  1. Someone has an extra arm and they are complaining well there is gratitude for you, you can do a lot with an extra arm. For a start off you can go to fancy dress parties as a man carrying a tripod, how cool is that.

    I too am a great believer in the power of science and with all this talk in the news about genetics, I have conducted my own experiments to produce the perfect Test Tube Gravy. . . So far it is still a bit lumpy.

    Oooooo you appear to have slightly more strange followers than I realized. About creating a formula for the unified theory of everything, I wonder it you have any tips my own has not entirely worked out as planned buy I have renamed it the formula for the unified theory of some seagulls and a goat.

    1. stupid QWERTY keyboard again

    2. Nice to have a fellow scientist on board.
      These people are not so much followers but more "legally dubious claims against my various projects and experiments."
      I have been instructed by my solicitors to carry a shiv whenever I venture into the streets just in case.....

      I'm not sure they are a real law firm now I think about it.....

  2. Dear Prof. Proctor,
    Damn, you is scary!

    1. Well Miss Lily if you think he is scary then he is scary.


Poop deck. - hahahahaha I said poop!